he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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