Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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