I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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