I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am midnight drunk by noon
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize