Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
