I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
