Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
