my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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