i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
