I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
