this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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