Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I supernannyed him into submission
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
