I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
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