he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
