Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
