I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
