I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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