Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
