How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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