I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
