Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
