Nicole vs. Life
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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