I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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