Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
