my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
