I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
