no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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