If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
