What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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