hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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