Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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