is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You don't make any sense
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