there's paper in my vomit.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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