if i can run in heels then i can drive
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize