I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize