Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
