Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
