America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
dude. I can hear the air.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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