the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
