I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
