Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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