So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
