I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
