therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You are the jesus of drinking
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
