did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
