no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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