we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
