Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize