Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
His hands were made for my vagina.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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