if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
