mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
