Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
