On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
