She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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