i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
