I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
