apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
