I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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